


Two More Miracles to be a Saint

by LittleDropsOfImagination



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: BAMF Stiles, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Hate to Love, M/M, Serial Killer Stiles Stilinski
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-30
Updated: 2015-03-30
Packaged: 2018-03-20 11:44:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3649068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleDropsOfImagination/pseuds/LittleDropsOfImagination
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Tell me that's not what I think it is."</p><p>"Look I can't very well get rid of the entire thing at once, it's a process ok"</p><p>Derek stared at him incredulously </p><p>"Stiles there is a head in your fridge." Stiles shrugged nonchalantly, chewing his popcorn happily. "You have a head in your fridge and you don't even have any butter."</p><p>"It's on the third shelf down but if the heads putting you off then I wouldn't reccomend you look down there."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tell me that's not what I think it is."
> 
> "Look I can't very well get rid of the entire thing at once, it's a process, ok."
> 
> Derek stared at him incredulously.
> 
> "Stiles there is a head in your fridge." 
> 
> Stiles shrugged nonchalantly, chewing his popcorn happily. "You have a head in your fridge and you don't even have any butter."

Tell me that's not what I think it is."

"Look I can't very well get rid of the entire thing at once, it's a process, ok."

Derek stared at him incredulously.

"Stiles there is a head in your fridge."

Stiles shrugged nonchalantly, chewing his popcorn happily. "You have a head in your fridge and you don't even have any butter."

"It's on the third shelf down but if the heads putting you off then I wouldn't reccomend you look down there."

The look of disgust on Derek's face was priceless and it only intensified as Stiles smiled sweetly, grabbing his snack and moving through to the living room.

"Shouldnt it be in the freezer anyway?" Derek called through, still looking vaguely unsettled.

"Wasn't enough room." Derek paled and quickly closed the door to the fridge, wiping his hands hastily on his trousers as he followed Stiles through to the living room. Stiles was sprawled out on the couch, flipping through channels leisurely. He glanced up at the scowling Derek and rolled his eyes, groaning as he did so.

"Don't be such a baby, you're all for having them dead but the first sight of one head and you look like I just shaved your puppy." Derek's scowl deepened and he ground his teeth together, slapping a file down on the table. Stiles eyed the file with interest, sitting up slightly. His eyes sparkled with an barely contained curiosity.  

"Ah yes speaking of the dead, who do we have today?"

Derek sighed deeply, seeing the excitement in Stiles' eyes. "Names Kali, drug dealer, she's been running a prostitution ring for a while now-"

"Hey, hey I'm not interested in the semantics, tell me when and where and I'll deal with the bitch, ok."

Derek sighed and glared at the back of Stiles' head. Ignoring this, Stiles yawned widely whilst loosely forming the sentence "When are the others coming round, do you know?"

Derek's look of horror at the loosely formed words escaping Stiles' gaping mouth didn't infiltrate his voice which held as much contempt as he could muster. "In an hour"

"Beautiful." Stiles smirked, rolling his shoulders back and proceeding to crack his neck, eyes maintained on Derek in an exceedingly unsettling way. "Now you can either help me hide the miscellanious human matter in the kitchen," he paused to admire the slight shade of green that Derek was transitioning into, "or you can be on snack duty all night, your choice." Stiles cocked an eyebrow and smiled cockily "But the good old sherrif will be round tomorrow morning and it's up to you if you want to risk it."

Derek stood still, staring at Stiles's Cheshire cat smile and knowing that there was no real choice here. He stormed back into the kitchen, breathing carefully through his mouth and grimacing as he approached the fridge and freezer, vowing never to eat any food offered by Stiles in his house. In fact, keeping well away from anything Stiles offered seemed to be a safe tactic all around.

Stiles meanwhile settled on a slasher film, more so for the irony than the enjoyment of it (hey, he could be all kinds of messed up but that didn't keep him from having a sense of humour) and sat back to the sounds of Derek clattering around in the kitchen, occassionally gagging as he discovered some new undesirable body part.

"STILES IS THIS-" a shout came through the door and a slow grin spread across Stiles' face.

"He annoyed me," his response was casual and lighthearted "trust me you'd have wanted to give it the chop too if you had to spend more than two minutes with the guy"

The horrified muttering dimly making its way through the kitchen wall made Stiles chuckle and he laughed out loud as Derek stormed past the door, plastic bag held out far in front of him and a disgusted expression on his face. 

"There's some acid you could mix together in the shed if you want" Stiles called after him, mainly just to watch Derek trip over his feet in reaction. The door slammed loudly and Stiles watched Derek throw the bag in the trunk before glaring through the window and speeding off in his Camaro.

Stiles smirked before moving back into the kitchen to throw some chips into bowls remembering Scott's insistence after the last time he has hosted a gathering at his house that it gave an impression of a good host and allowed his guests (meaning Scott) to eat as much as possible without being shamed for it. This advice was of course coming from the boy who had managed to eat a truly inhuman quantity of Pringles in one sitting, much to The rest of the gang's horror. Even Stiles with his questionable collection of 'meat products' had felt queasy at the sight.

Chips in bowls was the rule ever since. 

He grabbed a couple of bowls and moved back into the living room, he figured it was probably safest to keep his friends out of the kitchen as much as possible, despite the new lack of decapitated heads. Derek was too squeamish to clean up properly and Stiles lacked the motivation to.

He had just finished pushing the sofas to the sides of the living room  when the door rang, opening a second later to reveal a black clad Erica with a bottle of vodka clenched in one hand and Boyd's hand in the other.

"You know we said quiet sit down, right?" Stiles teased as he brought her in for a hug, quickly incorporating the cool Boyd into it as he realised that she was not letting go of his hand at any time soon. She just huffed and replied,

"We all know the way the night would be headed, I'm just speeding things up a little." Stiles rolled his eyes and shared a despairing look with Boyd before directing the two into the living room and handing them each a glass which Erica immediately began to fill with an ominous anount of vodka to Stiles' concern and Boyd's great amusement.

It was at that moment that Stiles spotted Derek's file still sat in pride of place on the table. He cursed internally, quickly grabbing the glass of vodka from Erica's hand and plonking himself down immediately on top of it, clumsily hiding it from view.

"Watch it pretty boy, that's mine" Erica warned and Stiles smiled a false cheeky grin, still internally cursing his own sloppiness.

Realky there are certain careers one should veto if you are a generally untidy and forgetful individual, primarily Murder.

"Glasses are in the kitchen" he said in an attempt to distract from his odd and sudden behaviour. Erica continued to look at him oddly and Stiles nervously took a large gulp of the burning liquid, coughing slightly as it seared down his throat. Erica rolled her eyes, grabbing Boyd's hand and pulling him out of the room with her.

Stiles' smile dropped in a millisecond and he hurriedly stuffed the file behind the sofa cushion, sprawling out on it after he did so, a sigh of tension escaping his lips as he inspected the glass of treaturous liquid in his hand. 

He sighed and sent off a quick message to Scott to pick up some coke to mix with it, determined to avoid the clean up that always followed Erica's plans for a 'big night in'. Besides, the last thing he needed was to have one too many shots and describe his recent experiment with flaying (discoveries- far too messy and actually not as satisfying as had been hoped).

Within half an hour his living room was filled with his drunken friends and Derek was slinking back through the front door, casting a death glare over at Stiles as he did so. He snuck through to the kitchen, the clinking of glasses signifying that he was fixing himself a hard drink.

Stiles snorted and rolled his eyes, watching as Scott attempted to balance Isaac on his shoulders, letting out a sharp warning as Isaac came dangerously close to the ceiling light. Derek came back into the room, a glass of scotch in his hand, nearly knocked to the floor as Erica squealed, throwing her arms around his neck and shouting "Derek! We were just gonna play truth or dare, come on" as she pulled him to the circle forming on the floor. 

Scott dragged Stiles down, laughing and he shuffled on the floor as Erica explained the rules.

"Forfeit and you do a shot, no excuses, no bullshit. Ok Scott, you first" 

Stiles watched as Scott attempted to fit fifteen marshmallows into his mouth, laughing along with his friends, he winced as Erica recounted her strangest sexual experience to a pained and regretful looking Isaac and he fell about laughing as Isaac attempted to sing Bohemian Rhapsody in stilted French.

"Stiles!" Crowed Isaac, "your turn. Truth or dare?"

The answer was instantanious, truth was really a no go.  "Dare." Isaac smiled broadly, cocking his head to one side.

"I dare you to... Strip for the remainder of the game" he cackled, clearly thinking himyself a genius. Scott lowered his head into his hands, already knowing what the outcome of this would be. Stiles merely sighed, grabbed the nearest cusion and pulled off his shirt and jeans swiftly. He covered his crotch and removed his underwear which hw threw to Isaac with a cheeky wink before sitting back down, a neutral expression on his face. Isaac's cocky grin had lessened rather significantly at Stiles' lack of self consciousness. 

"Boyd," Stiles said, voice cool as he tried to distract from the way his nipples had stood up to alert in the cooler air.  "truth or dare?"

"Truth." the other boy responded curtly, eyes darting down and revealing that Stiles hadnt managed to distract as much as he would have liked.

"Do you think I am a fully functional adult who is in perfect control of his life?" he asked, casting a cocky look at Derek as he did so who just rolled his eyes exasperatedly. 

"Oh my god I said that one time, let it go" he muttered, Isaac giggled next to him and started to hum the frozen song, swaying drunkenlu from side to side. 

"This is no concern of yours Sourpuss" Stiles snarked and turned back to Boyd with a bat of his eyelashes.

"No." came the response and Stiles' jaw fell open, an offended expression overtaking his appearance as Derek laughed raucously. 

"You come into my house" Stiles muttered, "Into my house and eat my chips" the constant crunching sound to his left abated for a second as Scott self consciously swallowed the mouthful of Doritos he had shovelled in. Derek continued to laugh obnoxiously.

"Derek. Truth or dare?" Boyd said. That was enough to shut him up and, glaring over at Boyd and with a glance to Stiles he sighed. Stiles grinned, he knew that Derek didn't have a choice either.

"Dare."

"Kiss Stilinski." 

The twin looks of horror on Derek and Stiles' faces were enough to cause the group to fall about laughing. Stiles quickly closed his hanging jaw, determined not to be embarrassed by Boyd of all people, and said "I suppose we've done worse" which elicited a pained expression from Derek who ran his hand over his stubble in exasperation. 

"No forfeits." Declared Erica, smiling sweetly at Derek's quirked brow. 

Derek muttered darkly, eyes moving to the ceiling as though questioning what he had done to deserve this, though an expression of "fair enough" controlled his features only a second later.

He sighed and leant accross Scott to grab Stiles roughly by the neck, their lips meeting with almost painful force. Stiles snorted and playfully teased his tongue against Derek's lips until they fell open, their tongues crashing together for mere seconds before Derek pulled back hurriedly, looking rather flustered. 

Stiles bowed to the wolf whistles and cheers from his friends, still holding tightly to the pillow which was maintaining his dignity and laughed at the traumatised expression on Scott's face. He fanned his face in a mocking gesture and said "oh my if I didnt have a cushion to protect my dignity..." Which was met with groans from everyone in the room.

"Game over. Game over." Scott said and Stiles grabbed his clothes, struggling to slip them back on without displaying any indecent parts to his friends. Isaac had thrown the underwear to some deep depth behind a cupboard so he just resigned himself to go pantless.

As they rose to their feet Derek passed by Stiles and whispered,

"I want Kali gone by Wednesday", leaving Stiles with a tingle in his fingers and a sense of anticipation. 

The hunt was on. 

 


	2. The Moments I Deem Worthy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So everyone thinks you and Derek are together..." Scott says nonchalantly.   
> Stiles swerved the car in his shock, turning to Scott with a look of incredulance.  
> "Well you do seem to spend a lot of time together, you know... Alone." He hastened to add, nervously pulling at the hem of his hoodie.  
> Stiles cast a look to the back of the car where he knew Kali's leg was still stashed and snorted.  
> "I can promise you it's not what you're thinking."

The breakfast with Stiles' father thankfully passed without event. The sheriff didn't discover any rogue body parts and Stiles managed to coerce him into eating an apple as a compromise for the bacon he was allowed, mainly because Stiles had spotted a suspicious looking stain in his fridge and wanted to keep the sherriff as far away from a thorough investigation of its contents as he could.

As stiles waved him off from the doorway and watched the cruiser pull away from the curb his mind switched to far more serious matters. 

_Kali._

According to the information that Derek had left him he had a very limited time frame in which she was available, he didn't have time to recon and gauge a feel for her as a human, as he would have liked to. His best chance of catching her was in the next few days, she was in town for a brief engagement and then would be jetting back out to New York, the place that Derek had picked her up in the first place. Stiles snorted, wondering how many women had mistaken Derek's attentiveness for his interest, only to fall victim to Stiles instead. 

The safest thing to do would be to wait for a couple of days, scope her out and find the opportune moment. 

Stiles, however was not interested in safe for the time being. He was bored and had had an itching under his skin for days now. He wanted to get his hands on someone and feel the blows inflicted, feel the life whooshing out of them with every hit, jab and slice. He wanted the rush. No, the big night was to be tonight, stiles wouldn't be able to hold out any longer.

He began his ritual in the shower, cleaning every part of his body as thoroughly as he possibly could, scrubbing at pale skin until it was red and raw and then he just stood for a moment, letting the hot water run over his muscles until he felt loose and relaxed. 

He shut the water off swiftly and stepped out, drying himself off with the nearest towel and allowing himself a moment of excitement. A grin spread slowly across his face as he moved to the sink and knelt down to pull at the corner of a loose tile. He thrust his hand into the space behind it and surfaced a black duffel bag. Stiles took a deep breath and ran his fingers along the artificial material of it. Finally the itch was starting to turn into a heat, spreading through him with the strangest combination of pure energy and the calmest serenity.

After carefully replacing the tile he hefted the duffel onto his shoulder and moved back down the stairs, sweeping into the living room to grab the file before moving back out to his jeep.

Once inside he shifted through his files one last time, examining the time table that Derek had cobbled together of where Kali should be at certain times. Stiles appreciated the lengths that he had gone to, more often than not he was given a picture and a name and set loose to find them. He wasn't stupid enough to overlook that this meant Kali was somehow important, he just found that he didn't really care. 

Sometimes Stiles would play tricks on Derek after a hit, leave the odd eyeball in his apartment, sneak a lock of hair into his coat pocket. Derek hated it, he would panic every time, hurry somewhere to destroy it and then proceed to hunt Stiles down and throw him against a wall.

Stiles knew that if he tried anything like that this time, Derek might not just leave him with a slightly tender back. No jokes this time. Much as he hated to just get down to the job, there was a time for it.

Kali was set to make a deal at three o'clock just at the edge of the preserve. Taking in this information, Stiles cracked his neck and started the car, blasting the music at full volume and absentmindedly tapping along to the beat on the steering wheel as he sped off towards the preserve.

The journey was short and Kali was not set to arrive for another twenty minutes or so which left time for Stiles to stash the car out of sight and wander deep enough into the preserve that he had a good view of the meeting spot from the sloped ground, but was unlikely to be spotted without great examination of the surrounding area. 

Soon enough a lanky figure in a hooded jumper strolled up to the preserve, leaning against a tree in what Stiles supposed was meant to look nonchalant but instead made him look rather like a rodent desperate for the toilet with the constant shifting from side to side accompanied by the nervous glances around him.

Stiles rolled his eyes, the world of crime really was never as exciting as it was made out to be. 

Not a minute later a sleek car pulled up, door opening to reveal a red heeled woman dressed in black. She gave a cool look at the nervous figure leaning against the tree before moving to the trunk of her car and grabbing a parcel. Not a word was exchanged as she strode up to the man, cocking an eyebrow and causing him to hastily pull out a wad of cash which she neatly swapped for the package. The man nodded nervously and, grasping the package tightly to his chest, began to jog swiftly away. 

Stiles smiled. And then there were two. 

Kali stood inspecting the money as Stiles approached at torturously a slow pace, cursing his rash decision to do this in the leafy Preserve of all places. She had just begun to put the money in her pocket, seemingly satisfied with the deal when he struck.

His leg kicked her own out from underneath her and she went down with a cry of shock. Instantly she was attempting to scramble back to her feet, a vicious look in her eye but Stiles merely brought his foot down hard on her back, pushing her down into the floor again before wrapping his arm around her neck and squeezing tightly. 

He could feel every push of blood in her body, the way her heart was racing frantically as though trying to break free of the doomed cage it was stuck in. He felt her laboured breaths slow as she fell into unconciousness and her scrabbling, perfectly manacured nails fell limply to her sides.  

Stiles took in a breath of relief, feeling euphoric. He allowed her limp form to thud to the ground and inspected the scratches on his arm, he would have to wear long sleeved shirts for the week but it shouldn't be too much of an issue. At least she hadn't gone for his face, that was always harder to explain. He did a quick stretch of his muscles and then hoisted the woman into the trunk of his car, sending a quick message to Derek. 

 

**Car at at edge of preserve needs moving, see Ya soon babycakes xoxo**

 

Satisfied that his loose ends would be neatly tied up, he clambered back into the car and zoomed out of there. Not five minutes later he was in the warehouse district and had Kali thrown over his shoulder as he pushed his way into the one he knew was kept for the veterinary service's extra supplies where Scott worked. 

In minutes Kali was slumped against the wall, hands tied roughly but securely together and legs zip locked to a nearby shelf. He gave her a rough estimate of three minutes before she regained consciousness and set about covering the floor and wall behind her with a plastic sheet. 

He was just finishing taping it to the wall behind her as she stirred, groaning in a rough, pained voice, her throat still damaged from Stiles' grip on it only twenty minutes earlier. Stiles ignored her and continued to tale down the sheet.

Surveying his work, he gave a brief nof and moved over to his duffel bag, retrieving the case of knives he had stashed in there. 

"Some," he mused to the now frozen Kali, "like guns. I hate them. Far too impersonal. Very easy to kill a person if it only takes the pull of a trigger" he formed a gun shape with his hand, cocking it back in a mock shot. With satisfaction he noted the way that Kali flinched at the sight. 

It was always the same, didn't matter how good or bad a person was, when faced with death they looked like a lost child again. Nothing short of terror filled their eyes, desperation oozed from every pore and they would freeze, desperate not to spook the terrifying boy holding their lives in his hands. 

In the end everyone looked exactly the same, scared shitless.

And Stiles?

He loved it.

He let out a short euphoric cackle and continued, swinging the knife in his hand dangerously through the air. "Now knives however, not everyone can do knives. You have to feel it go through, feel the texture of skin breaking, of organs tearing and of metal scraping and screeching against bone. People just can't hack it." his eyes shone brightly for a moment. 

His movement was quick, deft, in seconds he was swooping in on her, knife pressed against the soft skin of her stomach as she strained as hard as she could to arch away from its point, desperate tears slipping from her eyes. Stiles stared her dead in her leaking eyes, breathing heavily and slowly pressing the knife harder and harder against the tender flesh. It was only when he saw the pain register in her eyes that he let out a brief laugh, biting hard into his lip and rolling back onto his heels.

He considered her for a moment  This beautiful, pained,destroyed woman. He let one hand move forwards and entwine in her hair, twisting his hand through the soft locks and just admiring the look of it against his skin. He held like this for what seemed like forever, a silent and still tableau, broken only by a single, heaving sob from Kali.

There was no more a second between the sound escaping her than he was slashing accross her shoulder and watching with satisfaction as the blood spilled down and mixed with her pretty hair, the symphony of her choked sobs a heavenly chorus to him. 

"Never used to like blood" he muttered, moving closer still, knife tracing the centre of her chest, tracing up and down just between her breasts, leaving shallow scratches as he did so.  "Got used to it after a while though, never met a woman who can't deal with blood after hitting puberty, same goes for killers really. See it a few times and it loses its effect." he pressed the knife in a little harder now and cutting into her like a piece of meat , "what doesnt lose its effect though, the kill"

There was a moment of silence, a plea in her eyes and Stiles held onto this, breathing it in, clutching to the atmosphere, the pain, the terror...

And he plunged the knife in, staring straight into her telling eyes as he did so. Her terror became indescribable and he leaned his forehead against hers, watching hungrily as the expression and the life behind it became a ghost before his own eyes. 

Stiles breathed heavily, like he had just run a marathon. He couldn't say how long he sat there, a minute, an hour, maybe even longer  before he heard his phone ping from inside his bag.

He sighed deeply and threw down the knife on the plastic sheeting, he went over to grab it, rubbing the blood on his hands on the trousers of Kali before he did so. 

 

**Yo, pick me up in about half an hour and we'll meet the others for dinner - Scott**

 

Stiles groaned and sent off a quick response before moving in to make quick work of Kali's body. He took an electronic saw to it and soon enough had a number of neatly wrapper plastic bags which he could store neatly in a nearby container. This, he hefted outside into the trunk of his car before doubling back to check that there was no blood or anything he had missed in the warehouse. 

When that search came up with nothing he started the ignition and was off on his way to Scott's house, internally planning where he would next have an opportunity to chuck the body parts.

He pulled up besides a slightly aggravated looking Scott  about ten minutes later who clambered in complaining "I said half an hour I've been stood there for fifteen minutes."

"Can't rush perfection" Stiles grinned back with a quick pout and Scott rolled his eyes, buckling in and slapping at Stiles' hands as he tried to turn to radio on. 

"I am not having you rapping along to that bloody thing, both hands should be on the wheel at all times. I quite like to stay alive, don't know about you." Stiles cocked an eyebrow, smirking. 

He set the jeep into gear and they trundled off together, the atmosphere rather subdued, both boys seemingly in deep thought.

"So everyone thinks you and Derek are together" Scott says nonchalantly.

Stiles swerved the car in his shock, turning to Scott with a look of incredulance.

"Explain?" He demanded

"Well you do seem to spend a lot of time together, you know... Alone." He hastened to add, nervously pulling at the hem of his hoodie. Stiles cast a look to the back of the car where he knew Kali's leg was still stashed and snorted.

"I can promise you it's not what you're thinking."

"Well what is is then? We're best friends there should be no secrets"

Stiles sighed heavily, trying not to marvel at the irony of it all. "Truth of the matter is that we don't get on all that well. Any time we spend together is spent arguing and in all honesty I cannot think of one endearing thing about the dude other than his godly face."

Scott shuffled uncomfortably in his seat, "oh so it's that kind of arrangement..." he said, raising his eyebrows exaggeratedly as he turned a deep red. Stiles had to concentrate very hard to avoid swerving the car again. 

"No! For gods sake Scott."

"Look I'm not saying I'm an expert of love or anything but you know your kiss yesterday-"

"Was a dare and would have been the same with absolutely anyone are you actually serious?" Scott shrugged half heartedly at this and Stiles groaned, pulling the car to the side of the road. In one swift movement he had Scott's face in his hands and was all but attacking his mouth with his tongue. Scott had the benefit of a good ten seconds of Stiles' most passionate kissing before he pulled back, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and turning the engine back on. 

Scott's face had gone a deep shade of purple and he didn't speak a word until they arrived at the restaraunt. The door had no sooner opened than the dulcet tones of Lydia wafted over to them.

"Oh good of you two to turn up, where have you been? Making out in the back of the car for the past fifteen minutes?" She noticed the look on Scott's face, "what's up with you?"

Scott said nothing and slid into the booth, avoiding eye contact. Stiles sat in the available spot next to Derek who eyed him suspiciously. 

"Gonna need your help hefting a crate from my trunk later" he said, helping himself to a breadstick, "it's a bloody dead weight."

He could practically feel the glare that Derek was levelling at him but he just chomped happily away on his breadstick, ignoring it completely.


	3. Lately it's been hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm not doing it anymore, it's degrading"
> 
> Stiles stared at him open mouthed, arms waving in the air wildly. 
> 
> "What do you mean degrading? Just flash a little muscle and flirt a bit so I can grab my bag and you can take me to see my next prey- I mean target"
> 
> The groan that Derek let out was filled with remorse and did nothing to dampen the grin on Stiles' face.

It was three in the morning when Derek rang Stiles.

Three.

In the morning.

"Unless this is a plea for a harsh and sudden death then you have approached me at the wrong time my friend." Stiles grumbled into his phone as he squinted at the clock. He could practically hear Derek's eyebrow rising in distain and he groaned and rolled over.

"Got your next target" Derek said simply, sounding far more awake than Stiles and yet even grumpier.

"Not in the mood for murder right now, call back at another time, preferably noon"

"Stiles-" Derek spat out sharply and Stiles yawned

"Yeah yeah no mention of the m- word on le telefoné, gotcha."

He wearily sat up and rubbed his eyes, "come and get me I'll put some clothes on and if you even consider turning up without coffee then be assured that I will remove your testicles and shove them-" he stopped as he heard the sound of the call ending and shrugged, lumbering out of bed and pulling on the nearest pair of jeans from the floor, leaving his pyjama top on and deciding it was passable, in the dark at least.

He was just rooting through his wardrobe for what he had dubbed his "pre- murder bag" when a memory hit him with startling clarity.

"Oh shitting hell" he muttered, rubbing his temples and sighing.

The bag was at the police station, when he had checked up on his last target, a strangely shifty looking man with a crop of bright ref hair, he had stopped by the Sherrif's office to drop off a low cholesterol lunch.

Stiles' phone chimed and he cast a sweeping look over the message. 

**Outside.**

"Oh fucking brilliant." he muttered and slid out of the room, pulling the door to and tiptoeing down the stairs. He locked the door quietly behind him, wincing as the lock clicked, then bounded over to the Camaro and slid into the passenger seat. 

"So," he chirped to the already angry looking Derek, "slight detour is in order. To the police station if you will."

Derek stared at him in horror. "Why do you want to go there?" He asked incredulously. 

"Thought I'd hand myself in, dads asleep so it seemed like the perfect time to come out as a serial murderer." Stiles smiled sweetly and Derek's hands flexed on the wheel and he muttered something incoherent under his breath as he set off, eyebrows in deathcon twelve. 

"I actually left my pre-murder bag in dads office by accident so I just need to retrieve it before we can do any pre-murder work" he said taking great joy in the pained look that crossed Derek's face as he said the word "murder". He stretched his legs out as much as he could in the limited leg space available and nonchalantly said "so if you could distract whoever is on he desk with a little-" he blew a kiss at Derek and waggled his eyebrows suggestively. Derek's jaw immediately set and he pulled swiftly to the side of the road. Stiles sighed, he swore they spent more time bickering than they did breathing.  

"I'm not doing it anymore, it's degrading"

Stiles stared at him open mouthed, arms waving in the air wildly.

"What do you mean degrading? Just flash a little muscle and flirt a bit so I can grab my bag and you can take me to see my next prey- I mean target"

The groan that Derek let out was filled with remorse and did nothing to dampen the grin on Stiles' face.

"Come on, it's a winning trick"

"I hate it I never know what to do and the last woman you made me "flirt" with-" he pulled his fingers up to make the qultation marks "almost bumped into you as she backed away from me, you know it doesn't work. It's bad enough with a normal person I'm not doing it with a police officer."

"Oh it really can't be that bad" Stiles interjected

"Oh it really can" Derek said, stony faced.

There was a pregnant pause.

Stiles eyed him up for a moment before unbuckling the belt and getting out of the car, gesturing for Derek to do the same. 

"I need to get the bag now, can't have dad looking inside it if he notices it and he's in the office all day tomorrow so he'll notice if I go and get it, besides the target will have moved on so this needs to happen today." he pulled himself onto the bonnet of the car and settled down, legs crossed. "So let's practice lover boy."

Derek stood there wide eyed and unmoving and Stiles sighed, kicking his legs over the side of the car and sitting up straight. "Oh, hello sir" he said in a high pitched voice, "is there something I can help you with?" He batted his eyes ridiculously, waiting for a response but Derek remained still, swallowing heavily with a constipated expression on his face. 

Nearly a minute of this passed as Stlies tried to convince Derek to talk before he slid off the car and grabbed Derek's arm, steering him onto the spot he had just moved from. 

"Ok lets try a different approach, monkey see monkey do right?" 

He walked a few paces away before turning, walking slowly towards Derek who sat cautiously perched on the car still with a confused and frightened expression on his face. As he neared Stiles allowed his gaze to pass up and down Derek's body, smile widening just that little bit further.

Derek sat up minutely and offered "Oh, hello sir" weakly, swallowing and then continuing with "is there something I can help you with?"

Stiles huffed a laugh and drawled "I'm sure there's a lot you could help me with, but specifically I was just wondering where the nearest place I could stay was, thought this would be a safe place to ask." As he spoke he allowed his gaze to wander to Derek's neck, steadily flushing in colour, before rising to rest on his lips, curved in a scowl. "I don't mean to be a bother" he added, quirking an eyebrow. 

"No problem" Derek muttered, he coughed slightly "There should be a place on third that'll be fine."

Stiles bit his lip, still smiling and leant forwards, elbow resting on the bonnet, bringing his face close to Derek's own. "You'd reccomend there then?" He said, his tone hushed and his grin widened as Derek gave a shaky nod and he leant back, winking quickly.

"Well thank you" he said allowing his eyes to linger on the other man.

Derek coughed again, his reddened face sullen, before muttering "There is no way that that will work." his face sullen. Stiles just laughed, slapped his cheek lightly and got back into the car. 

"Keep telling yourself that sugar."


	4. Without a hitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Right so you see him?"
> 
> "See him? Derek I would happily mount him"
> 
> "Well unless the penetrating object is a knife that is ill advised, he's a serial-"  
> "Did you just make a murder joke? You just made a murder joke! Oh my god this is a momentous occasion your first murder joke!"
> 
> "Stiles could you concentrate" Derek snapped
> 
> "Maybe I'll get you a commemorative mug"

Stiles waited outside the station for twenty sevonds as a shaky but determined Derek entered to Stiles' supportive "Knock their panties off". After that he peered round the door and saw Officer Harke smiling shyly at Derek's figure and pumped the air in success before hurrying past the desk in a crouch. 

Within minutes he was picking the sheriff's lock and grabbing his bag and was just taking the corner back to the entrance when he caught wind of Derek's smirk. He felt almost insulted by it. His entire face oozed confidence and his smirk, that damned smirk, was the epitome of sex appeal. He didnt even think to signal to Derek to wind it up before the man himself spotted him stood behind the desk and leant in further, allowing Stiles safe passage past without the officer noticing.

Well... That was annoyingly swift. Stiles had adopted a scowl very similar to something that would normally be sporting when Derek emerged, looking smug. 

"Yeah, yeah you've worked out flirting, good for you." Stiles cut in before Derek could comment, setting off for the car and Derek, trundled after him, still looking smug. Stiles shoved the bag into the trunk of the car then looked at Derek appraisingly for a moment. 

There was a beat.

"No." he snapped, "I don't like the smugness." and without a second thought he strode towards the other man and captured his lips in a fierce kiss, Derek's mouth fell open in shock and Stlies immediately leapt in, tongue exploring and filthy. 

They parted after a moment and Stiles planted a small peck on Derek's still gaping mouth and a light smack on his cheek.

"Much better." he said smugly "I far prefer it when you don't know where you stand." and he span and got back into the car. He watched Derek through the window go from shock, to confusion, to anger as his eyebrows drew closer together and his jaw clenched. He climbed back into the car silently and the journey to their original destination was a subdued one. 

Stiles took this time to get into the right state of being for observing his subject. He liked to understand the person he killed, see their passions and desires. It made it somehow more satisfying to watch the light go from their face if he knew what that light was, he wanted to know exactly what he was taking from them. 

They pulled up outside a hotel and Derek silently got out of the car with Stiles following swiftly. He bypassed the reception and went straight to the elevator, pressing the illuminated number five and standing there as the doors clicked shut and the machine trundled off. 

Before Stiles knew it they were in a room and Derek was directing him to the window. 

"At six o'clock he will come out onto the balcony. Be awake, observe him." he paused for a moment, looking pained "he's a bad man, far worse than you. You like chaos but you don't necessarily love to cause pain in innocent people. He is... Worse."

Stiles raised a lazy eyebrow and flopped down onto the bed muttering "why hello there, let's finish off what we started earlier". Derek's irritated huff of breath was the last thing he heard before he nodded off, forgetting to set an alarm. 

It was because of this that, at six in the morning, Stiles was awoken by a loud "Shit!" Followed by a very naked and very wet Derek rushing in from the bathroom to shake him awake. 

"It's two minutes to six, get your butt out of bed Stiles" the older man said as he pulled the towel around his waist a little tighter. Stiles scrambled up, grabbing his phone and stumbling over to the window hastily. He huffed a breath of indignation at his rude awakening and checked to see if there were any messages for him while he waited for his target to emerge. 

It had been a year back that Stiles had set up a Facebook group chat entitled "Derek is a misanthropic sourpuss" to arrange a meeting point for one in a long line of catch ups that had been rescheduled thanks to Derek's busy timetable. Derek had tried to change the name of the chat a number of times but Stiles always changed it back and after a while it stuck. 

Scott had messaged everyone in the early hours of morning to share a picture of Isaac who appeared to be passed out on the ground outside a club with the words "Isaac putting on yet another show". Stiles chuckled and then, throwing a vengeful glare at Derek, quickly snapped a picture of the half naked man, still glistening with the water from his shower and sent it with the words "I mean it's good but it doesn't compare with the show that Derek is giving me right now"

He chuckled to himself and quickly threw his phone to the side, ignoring it as it started to light up with messages from the pack in favour of catching sight of the man hurrying into the building opposite their own. He was tall, slimly built but carried himself in a way that indicated a certain strength, not someone to underestimate in a fight. 

He ducked his head in a show of nerves before pushing into the building and Stiles cursed, losing sight of him for a minute or so. 

Behind him he could hear the return of the now clothed Derek as he ambled around the room. The continuing buzzing of Stiles' phone attracted him over and Stiles' focus was broken suddenly at the sound of a hiss and a sharp "Stiles!"

He turned grumpily, glaring at the other man who was gazing down at the phone in a mixture of horror and rage. 

"What on earth were you thinking? How are we going to explain this to them?" He hissed, waving the phone around agitatedly. Stiles rolled his eyes, grabbing the phone from his hand and scrolling through some of the messages.

**Scott: BRO WHAT**

**Erica: NAKED DEREK NAKED DEREK AND STILES WHAT WHAT WHAT**

**Lydia: Called it**

**Scott: BRO**

**Lydia: Wait are you in a HOTEL??**

**Isaac: There are so many images I could have gone forever without seeing. So many.**

**Scott: BRO**

**Jackson: Real cute Stilinski what did you drug him with?**

**Isaac: Literally that image is never going to leave it'll always just be there in the back of my mind.**

**Kira: <3 <3 <3**

**Kira: YOU GUYYYYYYS**

**Kira: Btw you all owe me twenty dollars each xoxoxoxox**

**Lydia: Hotel means daddy Stilinski doesn't know am I right?**

**Jackson: He doesn't know Stilinski is gay?**

**Jackson: I'm not paying you Kira**

**Scott: Hey don't be rude we follow the betting laws here it keeps the balance**

**Scott: BUT BRO**

Stiles snorted, ignoring the older man stood above him who looked like he didn't know whether to punch him or scream. He fired off a quick reply to the group. 

**Stiles: Didn't know how to tell you and figured you already kind of knew (Kira case in point). It's pretty established at this point and we are happy, dad doesn't know yet so would prefer if you didn't tell him.**

**Stiles: k thx for your support (Jackson suck my entire ass) now I have other priorities, talk in like a few hours or something. Peace.**

"Why did you do that?" Derek's voice was the most carefully controlled he had ever heard it and Stiles couldn't help but snort. 

"We spend too much time together to be just friends and they're asking questions. Boyfriends is a better alternative than Murder friends." he rolled his eyes when Derek flinched at the word murder before continuing, "anyway the target is back in view"

The reaction from Derek was instant, the tension was replaced with determidness and his expression chilled alarmingly quickly, he moved to the window and peered cautiously across to the other building.

"Right so you see him?" Derek talked more to himself than to Stiles

"See him? Derek I would happily mount him" Stiles replied as he moved back to his recon spot.

"Well unless the penetrating object is a knife that is ill advised, he's a serial-"

"Did you just make a murder joke? You just made a murder joke! Oh my god this is a momentous occasion, your first murder joke!" He was practically bouncing up and down in his seat,

"Stiles could you concentrate" Derek snapped

Stiles just chuckled and turned back to the window, muttering "Maybe I'll get you a commemorative mug"

Derek's long suffering sigh said it all. 


End file.
